Right now, Im what you can "suicidal only in the mornings" type of guy.

I work from 5:30 am (so I wake up at 4:30) to open a coffee shop and work till 11. After getting my doze of ceffeine with all the free drinks that I can have, I change for my office job. (PS, Im tired of all the Iced Blended drinks and latte's - I like mine dripped, with two brown sugars and non-dairy)

By 11:15 I have changed to my office clothes. Sporting my security badge, sunglasses and leather shoes, I go around old town in search of a quick brunch.

12:15 I clock in for work - A Call Boy for the most powerful bank in America. Im a collecter, your bad news, Im your tide turner or saviour. Im a shylock.

I have lunch at 5pm and get off work by 9. If Im lucky, I can still do some cardio and hit the punching bags at the gym - catch up on my Kickboxing.

---- This is the start of a long long road to trudge. It's not easy, but the rewards I will reap will be quite enjoyable. I will allow no stops, though 5 minute vacations are allowed. I will create reserves that will let me go whereever, whenever.

I work for a multinational company - the same type of company that destroys the world (as my Professor in college would say). I say, I have health and insurance benefits, Ive got bonuses and incentives and Im just one of the tens of thousands of employees that sport the company logo.

Yes - Ive been eaten by the great world. I no longer stand out in my own little world. I am now a spec in the great ocean.  I am no longer a big catch in the pond. But you know what?

It doesnt matter. Ive got someone to love and someone that loves me. Ive got a future to look forward to, a future to plan for a future worth waiting for. That is more than I could ever ask for right now. The adventures, the dreams - they are not fading away. I just found a different path that will lead me to them.

Have I been eaten by a picture so big that I am now just a pixel? I dont think so - give me some time and I'll create a masterpiece.

My girlfriend always says, when the time comes when we are already together,she's afraid that I might not miss her anymore.

She might be feeling that I wont be able to shower her with blitz poetry telling her how much I wish I was with her right at that moment. Trying to make sense of something that I dont even know where its coming from. By that I mean it's everywhere. This Mads and Jab Love is everywhere. In the morning, at work, in the sunset, the cup of coffee, the afternoon jogs, the bottle of beer.

Dearest hun... Dont worry about me not missing you the way I am missing you today. When we are together, I will always be excited to see you. Always excited to have my hand find its way to yours. How my eyes would always meet your eyes halfway. How I would catch you glancing at me and shying away just in time (and vice versa). How I would feel a tingle in my spine knowing that you arejust beside me.

I want that time where we will meet in the afternoon after work and have dinner. Do a little shopping. Walk around town and pass by the man that plays his saxophone on the street. Where we would be in a crowd of people watching the light turn to "walk". Where we would be both listenning to music in a record store. When we would both pass by our local caoffee shop where the baristas talk to us on a first name basis. Where we will both walk in the light rain and let it drench our faces just to get into the door just in time before the downpour. Where we will be excited to go home to out own place and play a good CD. Sit by the fire and watch CNN, Conan or Desparate Housewives.

I know I will be too excited to go to bed with you becuase I will be able to engulfed by your freshly showered scent. I know in my sleep I will be too excited to wake up. Excited because I know you will be the first sight I'll see as I start the day. Excited to cook breakfast with you while in our PJs and excited to sip our cold orange juice and steaming brews.

Mads, dont be afraid that I will stop missing you because even if we are 24-7 of each other, I will always miss you.

I will miss you becuase I know that somehow there is always something to discover when your around. I will miss you becuase of our converstations without words. I will always miss you because I know I will and cannot get enough of you. I love you Mads.

I will miss you like a heart missing its reason to beat a soul missing its reason to breath... I Love you Mads. I Love you.

MadsyBuhay: kasi i was crying last night..
Jab:
MadsyBuhay: tapos feeling ko
MadsyBuhay: nahihirapan ng dahil saken..
Jab: Im sure you had that episode kasi nagwoworry ka sakin at satin
Jab: you meant well beh
Jab: dont cry na
Jab: hindi po ako nahihirapan
MadsyBuhay: but..
MadsyBuhay: sasabihin mo if ure feeling that way..
Jab: beh
Jab: well
Jab: opo
Jab: I will
Jab: pero lets not entertain the thought
Jab: kasi it might make us both weak
Jab: ok po?
MadsyBuhay: nde naman beh
MadsyBuhay: umm..
Jab: paranoid na nga asawa mo eh...
Jab: hehehe
Jab: pa hug beh
Jab: pa hug please
MadsyBuhay: hunn..
Jab:
MadsyBuhay:
MadsyBuhay: we're going to be okay..
MadsyBuhay: things are better now...
Jab: oh course
Jab: things beh
Jab: are at its best beh
Jab:
Jab: stay strong beh
Jab: dont cry kasi iniisip mo na baka nahihirapan ako
Jab: eto pala eh
Jab: paranoid din eh
MadsyBuhay: i was really thinking..
MadsyBuhay: tama kaya na u were in this situation..
MadsyBuhay: kasi nahihirapan ka..
Jab: hindi po...
Jab: settle ko lang beh ha
MadsyBuhay: eh im supposed to make things easier
Jab: once and for all
Jab: ok?
Jab: para hindi mo na isipin
Jab: hindi po ako nahihirapan
Jab: I am enjoying the "hard" work and effort
Jab: the struggle and sacrifice
Jab: kasi alam kong
Jab: Im doing this for something good
Jab: Im doing this for something better in the future
Jab: Im doing this for people I love
Jab: Im doing this without a shed of guilt
Jab: Im doing it in good faith
Jab: Im doing it selflessly
Jab: Im doing it kasi I want to
Jab: Im doing it kasi I know this will be better for you and me in the long run
Jab: dont mis interpret the workds sacrifice, struggle, hard work and pain in a bad way...they are good stuff beh...good words to describe and work with the passsion that I have with my life living it with you in my mind and my heart
Jab: OK po ba my love? have I places the words right to assure you that you dont have to worry too much?
Jab: **have I placed?
MadsyBuhay: i love you beh..
MadsyBuhay: thank u po
Jab: no sweat beh
Jab: we watch each others backs dba?
Jab: you've always said that
Jab: now its my turn
Jab:
Jab: naiiyak ako
Jab:
Jab: love na love po kita
MadsyBuhay: bebeh
MadsyBuhay: dnt cry okai
Jab: you make me make poetry like it was breathing beh
MadsyBuhay: ako yung sniff*sniff saten dalawa right
Jab: you litterally beh... litterally bring the best out of me Madsy
MadsyBuhay: ang sweet naman
Jab: you are both my weakness and strengthMadsyBuhay: jab..
MadsyBuhay: ummm..
MadsyBuhay: i was just thinking..
Jab: ano po?
MadsyBuhay: i love you
MadsyBuhay: and thats everything good
Jab: everything IS good beh
Jab: basta
Jab: we keep our faith in HIM
Jab: we thank him everyday
Jab: we do things in good faith
Jab: we trust each other and trust HIM, he who presides in our relationship
Jab: basta we do things for the good
Jab: things will be good
Jab: kahit na dumating pa yung sandamukal na problems and trials na inhuman na minsan...everything will still be GOOD beh kasi we are together and no act of God or Man can ever tear us apart

- my girlfriend and I, we were chatting this night... facing our fears...facing it with all our strenth and love for each other...face whatever future is set for us with hands locked together and spritis intertwined, our hearts facing one direction - towards each other...